Surviving the Nightmare
by Misha
Summary: Pair of Song fics. An alternate ending to Rosslyn. Sam and Donna try to find a way to go on.
1. The Ruins of A Dream

The Ruins of A Dream   
By Misha

Disclaimer- These characters are the property of NBC, Aaron Sorkin, or whoever. I'm not writing this for profit in any way, shape, or form, but because I have a lot of spare time on my hands. I don't own the song "Tears In Heaven" either. It too belongs to someone with a lot more money than me.

Author's Notes- This is really, really depressing. I don't know why, but I was in the mood to write a really sad Josh/Donna piece and came up with this. It's an alternate ending to "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen" and is set to "Tears of Heaven" by Eric Clapton. This is short and sad, but I think it works. That's all for now.

Spoilers- "What Kind of Day Has This Been", "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen" 1&2.

Rating- PG-13

* * *

This could not be real.

The man she loved had **not** just been laid into the ground, his life over at the age of thirty-seven. It did not seem possible, yet it was real.

Josh was gone.

He was never coming back. He was dead because of a senseless act.

It did not seem fair.

It especially did not seem fair that they had never had a chance. That she would never know what might have been. That all their chances of a future, that all the moments they might have shared were gone before she had ever had the chance to say "I love you".

_Would you know my name   
If I saw you in heaven   
Will it be the same   
If I saw you in heaven   
I must be strong, and carry on   
Cause I know I don't belong   
Here in heaven_

If the burial felt unreal, then the weeks after her return to Washington could only have been some sort of strange, never-ending nightmare.

She did not know how she got through them. Through each day without Josh.

Work was the worst. She had thought about quitting her job a dozen times, but in the end, knew that he would not have wanted her too.

More than that, she knew that Sam needed her. She had started working for him as soon as she came back to work and they had become each other's lifeline.

He was as shattered by Josh's death as she was. They had both loved him and together they grieved for him.

The others grieved too, but not as much as she and Sam.

They were the ones the most torn up by his death. The ones who had the hardest time accepting the reality as days turned to weeks and weeks to months.

The ones who could not even begin to let go as time passed and it became clear that Josh was never coming back.

_Would you hold my hand   
If I saw you in heaven   
Would you help me stand   
If I saw you in heaven   
I'll find my way, through night and day   
Cause I know I just can't stay   
Here in heaven_

She dreamed about him often. She could not decide whether it was her way of hanging on, or his of helping her let go.

Maybe it was a bit of both.

The dreams varied.

Sometimes they were memories, flashes of days when he had been so alive. Other times, they were of what might have been. A wedding, children. A lifetime that she will never know if they could have had together.

Sam, C.J., Leo, even Josh's mother, all of them told her that he had loved her. But, a part of her would never be sure.

Besides, even if he had loved her like she had loved him, what did it matter? They would never be together. They had been denied that chance.

All she had were her dreams of a future that could never be.

But the dreams helped. When she woke up after one, it was both horrible and easy.

It felt nice to reach out to him, if only in her dreams. But it made waking up and facing the reality so much harder.

She knew that she could not cling to the dreams forever, that she would have to begin to move on with her life. But she did not know how.

She did not know how to get past her grief and how to find her way again, because she was hopelessly lost.

_Time can bring you down   
Time can bend your knee   
Time can break your heart   
Have you begging please   
Begging please_

She knew that whatever the answer was, it was not Sam.

They were halfway towards a relationship, but she did not dare go the rest of the way.

Even if she did, she knew it would not be for the right reasons. That was why she tried to stop herself.

If they did this, it would only be because it was another way for them to cling to their grief. To their memories of a man they loved, a man who had left them both.

She knew it was not wise, that it was not healthy.

But grief and loneliness were powerful things, and so was a broken heart. Sometimes she just needed some way out and knew Sam did too.

And while the world lay shattered, this one thing seemed real and so easy. Too easy to really resist.

_Beyond the door   
There's peace I'm sure.   
And I know there'll be no more...   
Tears in heaven_

Seven months after Josh's death, the White House hired a new Deputy Chief of Staff.

They had to. They needed someone to take over the responsibilities, they had put it off long enough.

Still, the idea of someone else in Josh's office, doing his job, was just too harsh a reminder for Donna of the fact that he was gone and that he would never come back.

She barely kept it together at the office when Leo told her and that night she ended up in Sam's bed for the first time.

They both felt lost, over-whelmed by the fact that the world had kept turning, even as they themselves had fallen apart. Neither of them was ready yet to face the realities of a world without Josh, even though they had to.

So they sought some way of holding on to him, of running from the reality. But she knew that it was wrong and that there was no way it could be real.

She knew that she needed something, that somewhere out there there had to be peace for her torment, but she knew that this was not it.

Sam was not the answer. It was wrong.

Not just because of Josh, not just because she worked for him. But because of everything. Because it was an escape and certainly not one she should be making.

But for a little while, she would pretend that it was the right decision; for a little while she would try to forget the truth, just for a moment.

_Would you know my name   
If I saw you in heaven   
Will it be the same   
If I saw you in heaven   
I must be strong, and carry on   
Cause I know I don't belong   
Here in heaven_

On the first anniversary of Josh's death, she handed in her resignation.

She had spent a long time, searching her soul, trying to come up with answers and finally realized that she could not hang on to the past forever.

She finally realized that Josh would not want her to live the way she had for the past year; driven mostly by her grief and pain. He would have wanted her to be happy, to truly live.

So, she decided to try, and she knew that the first thing she had to do was leave Washington.

She could never be happy there, not really, not now. There was just too many memories.

No, for a little while, she was going to go home to Madison. She would go back to school and get her degree, then she would decide what to do from there.

She would start over, one day at a time. Try to put this awful year behind her.

But never Josh. No, he would always hold a place in her heart and it was for him that she was doing this.

Because she knew he would want her to be strong, for her to carry on with her life and not to stop living it because he lost his. No, he would want her to live and she would.

She would live for him, because it was all that she could do.

_Cause I know I don't belong   
Here in heaven_

Still, no matter how many years passed, she knew that there was a part of her that would never stop grieving; that there was a piece of her heart that had been buried along with him, along with all her unfulfilled dreams for their future.

But, she supposed that that was natural, that those left behind, never really recovered. That they were left with regrets, with thoughts of what might have been, with the sting of tears and the hollowness of loss.

* * *


	2. I Grieve

I Grieve   
By Misha 

Disclaimer- These characters are the property of NBC, Aaron Sorkin, or whoever. I'm not writing this for profit in any way, shape, or form, but because I have a lot of spare time on my hands. I don't own the song "I Grieve" either. It too belongs to someone with a lot more money than me. 

Author's Notes- Okay, this is a companion to "The Ruins of A Dream", and like the first one, this is really, really depressing. I don't know why, but I wanted to write a sequel, told from Sam's perspective, and thus this was born. It's an alternate ending to "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen" and is set to "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel. It's Josh/Donna, with some Sam/Donna. It's short and sad, but I think it works. That's all for now. 

Spoilers- "What Kind of Day Has This Been", "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen" 1&2. 

Rating- PG-13

* * *

Sam wanted desperately to wake up. 

To not be standing by his best friends grave, watching as Joshua Jacob Lyman was laid into his grave as the age of 37. 

But this was real and he wasn't going to wake up. Josh was truly gone, his life taken from him by an act of senseless violence. 

Sam tightened his arm around Donna's waist as the last prayer was said. He could see the pain that he felt in his heart displayed on her face. 

_It was only one hour ago   
It was all so different then   
Nothing yet has really sunk in   
Looks like it always did   
This flesh and bone   
It's just the way that we are tied in   
But there's noone home_

The first few weeks passed in a blur. 

All he could think about was that only a little while ago, things had been different. Josh had been there, but now he never would be again. 

Thing seemed the same on the surface, the White House went on as always, but it would never truly be the same again. Not without Josh. 

Sam wanted to break down; but he didn't not really, because of Donna. She too was lost now that Josh was gone. 

They reached out for one another, grieving together for a man they both loved. 

_I grieve... for you   
You leave... me   
So hard to move on   
Still loving what's gone   
Said life carries on...   
Carries on and on and on... and on_

As the months progressed, life carried on without Joshua Lyman. 

His presence was never forgotten, nor the horror in which his life was lost, but the other members of the Senior Staff were able to let go. They moved on with each day, leaving Josh in the past, accepting that he was gone. 

Sam couldn't do that, neither could Donna. 

Which was why they clung to one another. The world hadn't stopped turning because one man had died, but their world had and they didn't how to carry on. 

How to live again. 

_The news that truly shocks   
Is the empty, empty page   
While the final rattle rocks   
Its empty, empty cage...   
And I can't handle this_

There wasn't a day that went by where Sam didn't think of Josh at twice. 

He often dreamed of his friend. 

The first few weeks were the worst. 

He saw Josh laying there after the shooting; heard the doctor telling them that they had lost him; saw Josh's body being lowered into the grave. 

But those weren't the images that stayed with him long after he awoke. No, the most painful images were the ones that had him sobbing into his pillow. 

The ones that would never be. 

The images of the future that Josh might have led. Of what he would never have. 

It tore Sam apart and he honestly wasn't sure what he was going to do. He just knew that he could go on like this forever; it was tearing him apart. 

There had to be some way to stop the pain. 

_I grieve... for you   
You leave... me   
Let it out and move on   
Missing what's gone   
Said life carries on...   
I said life carries on and on... and on_

He knew that what seemed like the easiest way, was the worst. 

He knew that he and Donna couldn't be anything other than friends. But, at the same time, he felt himself drawn to her. To the other person who was caught in the same cycle, who wasn't able to let go. 

They had tumbled towards something other than friendship, before either of them realized it, but both of them were trying to stop from going all the way. 

But Sam knew that it was probably hopeless. 

Yes, it was doomed. Yes, it was a horrible idea, but at the same time... It was a way to ease the grief and the loneliness. They identified with one another; they were two people damaged by the same tragedy and unable to move on. 

To carry on with their lives. 

_Life carries on in the people I meet   
In every one that's out on the street   
In all the dogs and cats   
In the flies and rats   
In the rot and the rust   
In the ashes and the dust_

He sees life going on in the world and all he thinks about is that Josh's never will. 

He knows Donna feels the same. That, in the back of both of their minds, is the thought that this is another day that Josh will never see. 

And they lean a little bit closer to one another, as if trying to wipe the thought away. 

Sometimes he wonders, if they're coming together as a way to try and keep Josh from truly being gone. He's not sure. 

But he is pretty sure that neither of them is very healthy mentally. But, how could they be given the circumstances? _Life carries on and on and on... and on   
Life carries on and on and on...   
Life carries on and on and on... and on   
Life carries on and on and on..._

Seven months after Josh's death, Sam woke up cradling a naked Donna in his arms for the first time and he remembered why. 

The White House had finally hired a replacement for Josh, they couldn't put it off any longer. Life had to carry on. 

But neither Sam or Donna was ready to let it, so the thing between them exploded. They sought comfort in one another, trying to drown out the realities. Trying to forget the fact that even though they tried to deny it, life was carrying on. 

Still, Sam knew that this wasn't right nor real. 

It was a mirage, it would not last. 

Not just because of Josh, but because of them. Because neither of them had the right reasons for getting involved. 

But, for a little while, he'd try to forget that and just cling to the moment for as long as possible. 

_Just the car that we ride in   
The home we reside in   
The face that we hide in   
The way we are tied in   
As life carries on and on and on... and on   
Life carries on and on and on..._

He wasn't surprised when Donna handed in her resignation on the first anniversary of Josh's death and told him that she was leaving D.C. 

He knew that it was time. 

That they had clung to the memories and hidden from the truth long enough. That it was finally time to move on. 

They both knew deep down that that was what Josh would want. He wouldn't want them to cling to the past forever. 

That wasn't Josh's style. No, he'd want them to move on, to live their lives, even though he couldn't live his. 

And Donna was ready to do that. 

So was Sam. He doubted that it would ever stop hurting, but it was time to try and carry on with life. To do what Josh would want them to do. 

To live to the best of their ability, but to never forget. 

_Did I dream this belief   
Or did I believe this dream   
How I will find relief   
I grieve..._

It wasn't easy, but in time he was able to do it. 

He never forgot his fallen friend, he named his first born son after him, but life carried on... 

Still, there was a piece of him that had died that night alongside Josh. He would never be as young and idealistic he had been before that night. 

But, that was okay. 

Life was like that. Things like that always leave scars on the hearts of the survivors. The fact was that though their lives carried on, they never really stopped grieving. 

The End 


End file.
